democratic National Convention Drinking Game

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Remember those glorious days in college when everything imaginable revolved around downing a quart of Lager? How about those crazy nights sitting around a table with a deck of cards playing Kings, Asshole, or Bullshit or those weekend afternoons spent in front of the Sega Genesis slugging drinks to Beer Madden? Yes, those were the days when even the most inane activities were made tolerable thanks to Dick Yuengling and bit of imagination.

Tonight marks the beginning of one of the most boring and intolerable events on television, the democratic National Convention. The dNC kicks off their quadrennial bash in prime-time tonight at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Headlining this evening’s events will be a keynote address by Michelle Obama, the militant wife of B. Hussein Obama, a woman who has only now become “proud” of her country “for the first time” during this campaign cycle, and a video and special appearance from the “lion of the Senate”, Sen. Ted “Chappaquiddick” Kennedy of Massachusetts. (Tell me, am I supposed to feel sympathy for a man who became a national icon after driving a woman over a bridge, failing to save her, and spending the next crucial few hours forging an alibi while she slowly suffocated at the bottom of a lake, just because he now has cancer?)

Anyway, to make this abysmal sideshow the slightest bit entertaining, I have gone back to my college roots to formulate a way to make this event at least tolerable. I call it “The Official Clarke Report dNC Drinking Game”.

Materials you will need

(1) At least one six-pack of your favorite adult brew

(2) A bottle of your favorite liquor, spirit, or cooler

(3) A television and basic cable

(4) A comfy seat

(5) Be a glutton for punishment

Rules

(1) One sip everytime a political pundit says “first African-American . . . “

(2) One sip everytime a speaker says the word “change”.

(3) One chug everytime a speaker mentions George W. Bush by name.

(4) One chug everytime a pundit says “post-partisan”.

(5) One shot everytime a speaker mentions “40 million uninsured”.

(6) One shot everytime someone mentions “John McCain’s seven houses”.

(7) Slam an entire beer anytime anyone says “obscene oil profits”.

(8) One double shot for every “thrill” that goes up Chris Matthews’ leg.

Skill Levels

(1) Three beer queers should watch Fox News.

(2) Experienced social drinkers can watch any of the broadcast networks or CNN.

(3) Lifelong Skooks should watch MSNBC to maximize their alcoholic stupor.

The preceding post was purely satire. The Clarke Report in no way endorses under-age drinking, binge drinking, alcoholism, or any other nasty thing that could get me sued for supporting.

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Filed under Campaign 08', National